


Midwinter

by athenasthought



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Gay, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27860949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/athenasthought/pseuds/athenasthought
Summary: In the aftermath of Neil's death, Todd finds comfort in memories of the time they spent together.
Relationships: Anderperry - Relationship
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	1. The Room

He couldn’t write anymore.

  
It was only a few days after Neil’s funeral. Todd wished he could say it was a blur, but he remembered every second so clearly, the snow falling over the small ceremony, the speech from Neil’s father, the lowering of the casket into the ground. The biting cold and wind that day stuck around: even now, in the too-empty dorm room with the heater on, he shivered.

  
The worst was the speeches. Mostly because they painted a picture of Neil that felt so shallow and wrong, like someone tried to redraw him from memory. They didn’t know who he was, they barely got half a glance at him before discussing how he was a great student, how he was talented and dedicated to the school. But Neil was so much more. Todd dug his nails into his palm to avoid tears spilling down his cheek again. Neil loved acting and poetry and just being himself, without his father and Welton getting in the way. He smiled so much and hugged so tightly and knew exactly how to get people to care about things. He saw you, even when you were used to hiding yourself under layers of protection, he always saw you.

  
_He always saw me._

  
Todd stared around the room. It became a new habit of his, focusing in on the creaky floorboards and the bed, and the desk, all empty and beginning to gather dust on the left side of the dorm. In a way, he believed if he stared enough, hard enough, Neil’s bedspread and textbooks would all reappear, and he’d be back, grabbing Todd’s hand and pulling him outdoors to play stupid games and scream into the sky. He’d be back, late at night, sobered up from the giddy high they got from being together, and he’d ask Todd the kinds of questions he wouldn’t answer for anyone else. Neil would say something about the world feeling wrong, and he’d smile that smile he only gave when he was about to cry, and Todd would get it. They would sit in a comfortable silence until Neil would break it with a statement Todd would think about for hours on end, like “It feels different with you” or “I care about you, you know that?”.

  
But no matter how many times he looked over the room, Neil would still be gone. And if Neil was gone, he couldn’t write.

  
He’d read so many poems of pain and heartbreak, from Shakespeare’s _Sonnet 66_ to _Ode to Melancholy_ by John Keats. After all, Mr. Keating said that pain was second only to love in poetry, and often pain and love went hand in hand. But any semblance of poetry he had inside him had withered now. He felt weary, his head muddled, and the grief had no words to describe it with. It choked him, made it hard to breathe, blocked out everything else, kept him cold in the heated room. Poetry would never capture it.  
Todd started as someone knocked at the door. “Todd?” came Charlie’s voice through the thin walls. Charlie had technically been expelled for punching Cameron, but his parents had convinced the dean to let him back in. Todd didn’t even want to think about how much money it took.

  
“Uh, come in,” Todd said hoarsely, trying to sound as normal as he could. He suddenly noticed how messy he had allowed the room to get, but as Charlie entered, he didn’t seem to care. He hovered awkwardly for a minute trying to figure out where to sit — he usually laid on Neil’s bed, but neither of them wanted to go close there, and instead, he sat at Todd’s desk.

  
“I’ve got to get out of here,” Charlie said, angrily chewing on his lip. “I can’t stand it. How can everything go on like normal when Neil—” His voice cracked and he shook his head. “It’s driving me crazy. And Keating’s not around anymore. I can’t handle it.”

Todd only nodded. He was quiet when he got to Welton, and he was quiet now. It was Neil who broke him out of his shell, and it was the absence of Neil that built the shell up again.

  
“Come on, Todd, say something.”

  
“What do you want me to say, Charlie?” Todd asked quietly.

  
“It’s Nuwanda,” Charlie retorted, his eyebrows furrowed. “They took Neil and they took Mr. Keating. There’s no damn way they’re taking that name from me, too.”

  
Todd shook his head slightly. “What’s the point?”

  
“What the hell do you mean, what’s the point?”

  
“Come on, Charlie, really, what’s the point? You said it yourself, Neil’s gone, Mr. Keating’s gone.” Todd’s voice got just a bit too loud. “You think any of this stuff matters anymore?”

  
“Of course it matters, Todd,” Charlie practically spat out. “If not for anything but to remember it. You think Neil and Keating would want us to forget about all of it?”

  
“Neil’s dead.” Todd suddenly realized he was standing up and sunk back onto his bed. Oh god, Neil really was gone. It hit just as hard every time. He shut his eyes but the tears came anyway. “I’m sorry, Nuwanda, I—”

  
“Yeah,” Charlie said quietly. “I get it.”

  
But he didn’t, not really. Charlie and Neil were friends, but Neil and Todd were — well, he wasn’t sure exactly, but it was something more. At least it was for Todd. Neil never told him what he felt, but they both kinda knew. There were the stares, and the smiles, and the way they gravitated towards each others’ touch. Neil had made it clear to him: _I’m not going to let you live without me._

  
But he broke that promise. He left Todd alone, with pain too heavy to put into a poem. He got himself buried in frozen ground, and Todd missed him so damn much it felt like the world was being torn apart.

  
“We’re having another meeting,” Charlie said. “In the cave. Thought it would be a good way to say goodbye.”

  
“They’ve tripled security,” Todd answered, his head lowered. “How will we even manage to sneak out?”

  
Charlie smirked. “We’ve got a plan. You in?”

  
The idea of gathering together with the other boys and not Neil made Todd’s heart hurt, but they hadn’t really said goodbye. Not yet. The funeral was for the parents and the school. They had to do something themselves.

  
“Yeah. I’m in.”


	2. The Woods

The plan was to sneak out later in the night than usual. It didn’t matter anyway — Todd had been barely sleeping. It wasn’t so much that he couldn’t, rather, he didn’t want to. Ever since the first night, he tried to avoid sleeping as much as possible. He wasn’t having nightmares. Instead, he dreamt that Neil was still alive, and it hurt too much to wake up from that.

  
It was a stupid plan. They had tripled the number of adults watching the hallway at night, and added locks to all the doors. But Todd didn’t care if he got caught anymore. The careful, cautionary part of himself was numb. He slipped on his coat and after a second thought, reached under his mattress and grabbed Five Centuries of Verse, the poetry book that Keating had gifted Neil for the DPS meetings. Mr. Keating gave it to Todd at the funeral — not at the funeral exactly, because he wasn’t allowed to be there, but in the parking lot after everyone had gone down to the chairs. He knew Todd was the closest one to Neil, and he knew what it would mean for him. Sometimes Todd thought Mr. Keating knew a little too much.

  
He was all ready to go, so he slipped as quietly as he could out the door.

  
They couldn’t sneak out in a group this time. They needed to attract as little attention as possible, so each of them was on their own until the woods. Charlie had laid it all out though — apparently, Pitts and Meeks found the blueprints to the building in the library and worked out the escape route. All he had to do was get to the south exit by the kitchens. Not only was it the most deserted part of the building at night, but there was also a window there whose lock was never repaired. The last part was thanks to Charlie’s freshman year. The watchmen usually dozed off lightly and only made rounds every hour or so, so as long as he avoided any creaky floorboards, he would be alright.  
Todd closed the door carefully and made his way down the hall, staying close to the wall, even holding his breath to not make a sound. He got downstairs safely and scanned the windows to figure out which to climb out of. Did Charlie say far left or far right? After a minute of examining the locks, praying that he wouldn’t hear footsteps, he got the (far left) window open and climbed out.

  
The snow was at least a few inches thick. The winters were brutal there. He wrapped his coat tightly around him and gently closed the window behind him. It was a windy night, and the snow was still falling. By morning the footsteps would be gone.

  
Meet in the woods, Charlie said. But where? The trees were so tall and dark when he was alone. They loomed over him, casting shadows that moved when the wind did. An owl’s hoot broke through the night.

They came here together once. Neil and him.

  
_It was just them that day. Neil’s idea. He loved the forest. He knew exactly where the cave was when Keating told them about it because he had gone exploring. It was a Sunday, and they had ditched study hall. Neil made up some excuse, and he brought the book. They didn’t go to the cave though, just to a rocky clearing. Neil sat him down and read one of his favorite poems: some of Shakespeare’s sonnets, and a bit of Thoreau. Then he said, “Read me one of yours.”_

  
_“What?” Todd replied in surprise._

  
_“Oh come on,” he laughed. “I see you writing all the time. Not just for Keating’s homework. And I heard you that one day in class. The sweaty-toothed madman?”_

  
_Todd rolled his eyes and shook his head in response. “That was stupid.”_

  
_“No.” Neil snapped his fingers, catching Todd’s eye and looking directly into them. “It wasn’t stupid, okay? It was...poignant.”_

  
_“Poignant, huh?”_

  
_“I’m being serious! You gotta start believing in yourself, man. The things you write, the things you think, it’s special.”_

  
_Todd’s face went a deep red, and he stuck his head in his hands instead. “I don’t know, Neil.”_

  
_“You hide from everyone all day.” Todd looked up at this, surprised that Neil would say something so direct. “Your poetry, that’s what’s really you. I can tell. And I know maybe you don’t want to show all of that to the world, but it’s just us out here.”_

  
_“You sure you don’t have Nuwanda hiding behind that tree ready to make fun of the things I say?”_

  
_Neil placed his hand on Todd’s shoulder. “I promise.”_

  
_“Fine, then. But just one,” he said, and Neil let out a barbaric yawp that caused several birds to fly away._

He was sobbing in the snow, his tears frozen to his face. He shouldn’t have come. It was too overwhelming being here without him.

  
“Todd?” called Knox, and when he realized Todd had collapsed to his knees, he ran to him. “Todd! You alright?”

  
Todd cleared his throat and pulled his hood over his face. “Fine.”

  
Knox studied him for a minute. “Do you want to go back —”

  
“No,” Todd interrupted, and walked past him, to where the rest of the boys were gathered. Meeks, Pitts, Nuwanda, Knox, and Todd made five. They were just missing Neil — and Cameron, the traitor.

  
They walked mostly in silence. It was the first time since the funeral they had all been together, and no one really wanted to talk much at the wake. The teachers were insistent on keeping them apart. There was all this talk of Keating’s little crew. They saw him as a dangerous influence, and they wanted to erase everything he created. But even when they were together, things felt different now. Heavier.

  
The cave gave shelter from the wind, and Meeks attempted to start a fire. Todd sat in the corner, as usual, but this time Neil wasn’t beside him, leaning on his shoulder. “Alright,” Charlie said. “Shall we get this Dead Poets Society meeting started?”


	3. The Cave

“I brought the book,” Todd said, opening it up in the light of the fire. They didn’t need to read the intro off of the pages anymore, but he felt better having it.

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rest all that was not life… and not, when I came to die, discover I had not lived.”

Charlie read first. There was no order to it, they just flipped through the book till they found something, going through the motions. Knox was the first to bring up Neil.

“It doesn’t feel right without him,” he said. “It doesn’t feel right at all.”

Everyone nodded in agreement. The cave felt empty and cold, and the poetry that would make them laugh and applaud and come alive felt… well, it just felt like words on a page.

“All the things they said about him at the funeral,” Todd spoke up, even though he usually stayed quiet, “they weren’t him. What if, I don’t know, what if we spoke about him instead?”

“I like that,” said Meeks.

Pitts and Knox nodded. Charlie reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a candle. Setting it aflame, he held it in front of him, and it danced shadows around his face. “You hold the candle, you say a memory. We’ll pass it around, give him a good name.”

“Can I start?” asked Todd. 

Charlie, looking slightly surprised, passed the candle over. Todd cleared his throat. “Neil always cared about people. He wanted people to be a part of his ideas. I wasn’t going to go to the first DPS meeting, but he made space for me.”

He passed the candle to Meeks. “I used to get bullied back when I first got here. Neil stood up for me. He had no reason to, you know? I was the new, nerdy kid, but he defended me anyways. It’s also why I put up with helping him with Latin.” At this, the tension broke slightly, and they smiled. “Charlie?”

“Who remembers the time Neil got upset at Mr. Collins from algebra class? He got detention for a week and in huge trouble with his dad, but it was so worth it to hear him call Collins a petulant grandpa.”

They laughed loudly at this, even Todd, although it was before his time there. That’s how they went, round and round, a sad celebration of Neil’s life. After a while, before the sun came up, they put the fire out and began to make their way out of the cave.

“Todd, stay back here for a minute,” Charlie said, and turning to the rest of the group, “we’ll catch up to the rest of you.” 

“What’s going on?” Todd asked, wrapping his arms around himself. Now that there was no fire, he was quite cold, trying to keep his teeth from chattering.

Charlie shifted in his spot. “Look, Todd, I don’t want to intrude, but… you and Neil… was there anything between you?”

“We were friends.”

“Right, I know, but — ”

Todd didn’t answer.

“I’m not asking out of hate, Todd, I promise. I miss him. I just wish I knew him better.”

Todd turned to face him, but he stared at the ground. “I loved him, Charlie. Is that good enough for you?”

“Did he love you back?”

“I don’t know. We never got there.”

_ Todd was sitting at his desk, working on the chemistry homework. Neil was laying on his bed, reading through  _ Five Centuries of Verse. 

_ “What did you think about Gloria and Tina?” Neil asked suddenly. Todd looked over at him, relieved to take his focus off of chemistry, but unsure how to answer. _

_ “What about them?” _

_ “Do you think they’re pretty?” _

_ “Sure. I don’t know.” He turned back to his homework, his stomach fluttering. It was an easy question to answer, or at least it should have been, but he didn’t like talking about girls. Mostly because he didnt really feel anything towards them, although he knew he should. He didn’t enjoy considering the possibilities of  _ not  _ liking girls. Mostly because of the words. He was always sensitive to words and meanings. He’d heard the word “homosexual” thrown around like it was a vicious rat contaminating everywhere it went. _

_ Neil was silent for a while, and Todd, unable to focus on chemistry, but unwilling to look over at him, stared blankly at his desk. _

_ “Do you like girls?” Neil asked, something strange in his voice. Todd nodded, knowing it wasn’t true. “It’s just… you never talk about them.” _

_ “You never talk about girls.” _

_ “Yeah.” Neil stared intently at the floor. _

_ “Oh.” _

_ “Oh?” _

_ “Okay.” _

_ “Do you —” _

_ “I don’t know.” _

_ Todd closed his work and went to sit on his bed. He thought for a while about what to say next, but Neil got up quickly, smiled and said, “You know what? Forget I mentioned it.” He walked out, disappearing for the rest of the day. _

_ They didn’t speak about it again. _

  
“I keep thinking he’s going to come back,” Todd said. “And every time I remember… it hurts just as much each time. I can’t stop looking for him.”


End file.
